Wednesday, 10 November 2010

My Version of a Marriage Made in Heaven

Have I got a match for you!! Snow White and Lenin!! Think about it. They have so much in common. They're both in glass coffins. They're both dead...   and so is romance!! So it makes sense!!!!! They're made for each other!!!!


(brought to you by OFF IN A TIME WARP TO A PARALLEL UNIVERSE PRODUCTIONS).

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

My Version of The Seven Deadly Sins

Many hundreds and thousands and sprinkles of years ago The Lord our God created Seven Sinful Animals to remind us of the Seven Deadly Sins. He created an animal called Lust, an animal called Greed, an animal called Pride, an animal called Gluttony, an animal called Envy, an animal called Wrath and an animal called Sloth. Of these animals the first six fought with each other and against themselves and all six are now perished. Of the original seven, only the Sloth remains as a living animal because only the sloth was too lazy to kill itself or anyone else.

There is is wisdom to be learned here my friends.

Monday, 14 June 2010

A Note of Apology for My Telepathy

I've just discovered that there was a Doctor Who novel, published in 2005 and called 'The Gallifrey Chronicles', which contains some similar ideas to some of my inane ramblings on this blog.

I stumbled across this Wikipedia article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gallifrey_Chronicles_%282005_novel%29 and then found my way to this detailed synopsis: http://www.drwhoguide.com/whobbc73.htm

Clearly there are some similarities to my tongue-in-cheek version in: http://my-subversions.blogspot.com/2009/06/my-version-of-doctor-who-part-three.html and a character called 'Grandfather Paradox' just as I had in: http://my-subversions.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-version-of-bbc-radio-comedy.html

So it is proven to me for the umteenth time that there really is something like telepathy but it works in a way which is mostly no use to anyone. This is typical of the universe in which we live, which is clearly ruled by the Gods of Irony.

Monday, 7 June 2010

My Version of Language

I alphabet the fish in my lemon.

Saturday, 5 June 2010

My Version of a BBC Radio Comedy

Since the BBC are always nicking my ideas (see http://art-moving-on.blogspot.com/2010/06/bbc-trying-to-steal-my-ideas-again.html ) I've decided to present an idea for a BBC radio comedy (they obviously need all the ideas they can get).

The show is called "Rangoon Half Time Machine" and Episode One introduces us to the two main characters: Major Paradox (Rangoon Heavy Arterials - retired) and his arch-rival Alan (no relation) Ladd.

Paradox and Ladd are rival inventors in the tradition of Heath Robinson.

Whenever Major Paradox makes a breakthrough in modern scientific progresseses Alan Ladd has to somehow make an even greater breakthrough and vice versa.

The series is set in 1955 in Surrey, England and in what was then called Rangoon, Burma, amongst other locations (you can go anywhere you like on radio, there's no budget problems). Major Paradox lives in a ramshackle old house in Rangoon, capital of colonial Burma. In his house there also lives a completely senile man who purports to be Major Paradox's grandfather. Whenever he enters a room he does so with his catchphrase, "In comes I, old Grandfather Paradox." He is as dotty as a dotted line and talks absolute gibberish for three or four minutes, sometimes longer, every time he appears. This gives the writers a break from keeping the plot consistant and enables them to indulge their dadaistic tendencies. There is also the ghost of a boy scout who occasionally wanders in and out of scenes muttering some rubbish about "the knots he knotted were not the knots the seascouts travelled by when they were not bombing the scout hut that he was not in but he was and they were and was not that knot so I'm not here I'm dead now, or not.....?" and stuff like that each episode. He is a tragic character and deserves his own show, as he he often reminds us.

Alan (no relation) Ladd is lying, or perhaps just wishful thinking. He actually has lots of relations and they keep coming round to his house at the corner of St. James Road and Sydney Road by West Sutton Railway Station in Surrey. He is continually visited by aunts, uncles, ex-girlfriends, local wideboys, canvassers, council representatives, gasmen, plumbers, neighbourhood watch members, cousins, brothers and sisters he'd forgotten about, reporters for the West Sutton Gazette and other Hoi Polloi. Alan's attitude is that of the misunderstood genius. He feels under-rated. He once invented a way of delivering all the post in the West Sutton area by collecting all the elastic bands dropped by postmen and combining them together to make a giant elastic band which could then be used to catapult the letters to their destinations in any part of town. The plan was stopped by the postal workers union together with the residents association (who were sick and tired jumping in the air all the time to catch their letters whizzin' by).

The same sort of thing happened with all his brilliant ideas. He was scattering his brilliance on stony ground. Then, one day, Rangoon Football Club came to West Sutton for an away match. Major Paradox came with them. He used his inventions to helm them win the first half of the match, Alan Ladd retaliated, using his inventions to help the West Sutton team even the score.

The bitter rivalry between Paradox and Ladd began from that fateful half-time. From then onwards they only invented in order to top each other's most recent stroke of genius. Eventually, Major Paradox invented a time machine in the hope of going back and changing the result of the football game (it had been a draw). Of course, Ladd had to invent a time machine of his own.

When they attempted to steer their rival time machines through the unpredictable time stream they both kept arriving at unexpected destinations.

Each week the two rivals, accompanied by old Grandfather Paradox, the ghostly boy scout, Alan (no relation) Ladd's relatives and various other characters, including the Glooms (Fred and Ethel) from next door and Ethel's father Sebastian Whack, journey through time and space, mostly into the future. They experience the Swinging Sixties, The Already Swung and Not Sure What to Next Seventies and so on into the unimaginable future of the 1990s. They view the decades of the future through the eyeballs of 1955.

If BBC7 radio doesn't buy this series they just don't know a good thing.

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

My Version of 'House MD'

Doctor Gregory House has changed his name and moved from city hospital to city hospital to avoid publicity. Years ago he was Doogie Howser MD, then Doogie House, then Gregory House. The TV series 'House MD' is a continuation of Doogie's story. This is what he grew up like.

Tuesday, 27 April 2010

My Solution to the Problem of Afghanistan.

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Pass a United Nations resolution declaring that Afghanistan belongs to the People's Republic of China.

And then it becomes China's problem. Ha HA!!!

NOW who hears the footsteps?

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Sunday, 18 April 2010

My Version of Life On Mars/Ashes to Ashes

In the final episode Sam Tyler, much to the amazement of both Alex Drake and Gene Hunt, returns from the grave. However, the new Sam Tyler is played by Tom Cruise talking in a sort of Eliza Doolittle/Dick Van Dyke cockney accent. Only Alex Drake is able to see that Sam Tyler is Tom Cruise, everyone else sees the normal Sam Tyler, except that half his face has been blown away like the police officer in Alex's visions.
Eventually it turns out that all the characters are in a Karaoke music video playing on a screen in a futuristic pub on the 13th floor of a virtual building in the 1920s where frozen heads sing songs like 'Pennies from Heaven' to while away the time until they are unfrozen on Mars by a robot called Monet.

Thursday, 15 April 2010

My Version of UK Political Parties

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The difference between the record of OUR party and that of the party opposite is that the party opposite TALKS ABOUT doing something, whereas OUR PARTY talks about DOING SOMETHING!


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Sunday, 4 April 2010

My Version of Mobile Cell Phones

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Your 'mobile cell' phone is, in fact, a 'mobile cell'. A mobile prison cell.

In 1875 the British philosopher Jeremy Bentham invented the idea of 'The Panopticon', a type of prison building designed to allow an observer to observe (-opticon) all (pan-) prisoners without the incarcerated being able to tell whether they are being watched, thereby conveying what one architect has called the "sentiment of an invisible omniscience." Bentham himself described the Panopticon as "a new mode of obtaining power of mind over mind, in a quantity hitherto without example."

135 years later, in 2010, we have the extension of Jeremy Bentham's idea as a global panopticon, made possible by silicon chip digital technology. Your mobile prison cell is made available to you as a form of telephone, thus you turn the key upon yourself. An organisation called 'Echelon' is then able to track your every move.

'HELLO WORLD!'



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Friday, 2 April 2010

My Version of the Ultimate Supergroup in Rock'N'Roll Purgatory

My Version of the Ultimate Supergroup in Rock'N'Roll Purgatory:
A seven piece band composed of four-part harmony singing group backed-up by guitar, piano and drums.
Personnel:
Singers: William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, Yoko Ono and Cleo Lane.
Guitar: Jimi Hendrix.
Piano: Les Dawson.
Drums: Animal from The Muppets.

Monday, 8 March 2010

My Version of a Plan.

My version of a plan is no plan. I assume that having no plan I am ready for ANY contingency. I can meet any situation and answer any question with the simple words, "I don't know". That's my plan. To have no plan.

Saturday, 6 March 2010

My Version of the Demonic Conspiracy Theory Horror Movie

The movie would begin with the hero witnessing an atrocity in which people are wantonly slaughtered. Later he would hear of other atrocities.

He becomes convinced that these acts of destruction and cruelty could only be the work of demons. He cannot believe that all these evils were committed by humans unless there was a demonic influence.

He begins to put together clues which lead him to believe that the atrocities are committed by people who have become possessed by demons from hell. He dedicates himself to collecting the evidence and proving his theory and then out exposing the truth to the world.

After many twists and turns of plot we come to the end of the movie where our hero is driven to the inescapable conclusion that there are no devils, no demonic possession after all.

He is forced to accept, in the final scene, that the Holocaust committed by the Nazis, the Spanish Inquisition, the Crusades, the Jihads, the Killing Fields of Cambodia, the 'Ethnic Cleansing' in Bosnia, the killing of Tutsis by Hutus in Rwanda, the killing of innocent people including children in Palestine by the Israelis, the mustard gassing of troops in World War One, the vivisection of animals by scientists who are perfectly aware that the experiment is serving no scientific purpose whatsoever, the use of torture by the CIA, the covering up by tobacco companies of the fact that smoking causes cancer and other diseases, the My Lai Massacre in Vietnam, the distribution of Smallpox blankets to native North American tribes by the United States government, the Catholic covering up of the activities of paedophile priests and many other such examples of human cruelty are not caused by demonic possession at all. Against his will our hero is forced to conclude that all of these atrocities and many more are committed by ORDINARY HUMAN BEINGS. Because that's just what people are like.

End of movie, roll credits.

Monday, 4 January 2010

My Version of Hunting

I'm fascinated by the illusions and the lies and tricks of the mind. I'm always going after truth throughout all these tricky ways and the sub versions of things.

I hunt for truth, but I don't kill it when I find it.

Hunting and searching for things is alright, especially for truth, as long as you don't kill it when you find it. The killing is wrong, not the looking.

Go on with life and mercy.


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Tuesday, 27 October 2009

My Version of Heroes

Well, I was going to write my version of 'Heroes' but I couldn't get past the bizarre idea that when Claire Bennet has sex she will always be a virgin again in the morning!

Saturday, 24 October 2009

My Version of Superman

The Superman is working as a private eye and has an office situated halfway between man and the abyss. One day he receives a phone call telling him God is dead and the cops consider the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche to be the most likely suspect. The caller, one Jacques Derrida is skeptical. He feels the police have merely built an elaborate frame around Nietzsche and tells Supes the cops' version of things will rapidly deconstruct if challenged.

Superman takes the case and heads downtown.

Sunday, 16 August 2009

My Version of The Elements

So I thought about the elements. In the European tradition of alchemy there were supposed to be four elements:
Fire
Earth
Air
Water

And in the Chinese alchemical tradition there were supposed to be five:
Fire
Earth
Water
Wood
Metal

So I figured that if you put the two lists together and cancel out the duplicates
you get six elements:
Fire
Earth
Air
Water
Wood
Metal

And then I figured that Earth and Metal are there to represent solid matter of two different kinds, while water, air and fire represent the different states of matter known as liquid matter, gaseous matter and matter combusting. This leaves just wood to represent organic matter.

So, if the six elements of the alchemical world are combustion, gas, liquid, two kinds of solid and organic plant matter, what's missing?

I realised that the answer is animals (including humans) because this is the other kind of organic matter.

So there are seven. Two kinds of solid, two kinds of organic, then liquid, gas and fire.

This may seem like a bit of a pointless exercise in the 21st. Century when we already have the periodic table (and Tom Lehrer's song) but when you apply these seven elements where they belong, in psychology and anthropology instead of physics and chemistry, they become a bit more useful.

European alchemy buffs usually claim the purpose of working with the four elements is to influence the development of the fifth element: the spirit.

If I include the spirit in my list I've got eight elements:
Fire
Earth
Air
Water
Wood
Metal
Animal
Spirit

Sunday, 14 June 2009

My Version of 'Rear Window'.

A Photographer is recuperating from a broken leg and confined to a wheelchair in the house of the present. He peeps out the windows with his secret binoculars trained forever on the house of dreams, across the street of time. He sees shadowy forms through the windows of the houses opposite and in the house of dreams especially. A Bull which walks upright like a man regularly visits a tailor's dummy. A large mechanical woman pushes dead birds into a suitcase. A little thin man with a great deal of untidy grey hair arrives wearing a grey suit and a black bowtie each day. He enters the building but never leaves. A large fat bald man in a white suit leaves the building each day but never returns. Does the small man transform somehow into the large man?

Every day the photographer is visited by a cranky but friendly home care nurse and his young girlfriend. He talks to both of them about his neighbours. After the bull makes repeated late-night trips carrying a large water cooler, the photographer notices that the mechanical woman is now gone, and sees the bull cleaning a large screwdriver, knife, lightbulb and handsaw. Later, the bull ties a large packing crate with heavy rope, and has moving men haul it away. By now, the photographer, his nurse and his girlfriend have concluded the missing mechanical woman has been murdered by the bull.

An old Army Air Corps buddy of the photographer is now a police detective. He looks into the situation and finds that the mechanical woman is in the underworld, has sent a postcard to her husband, and the packing crate they had seen was full of her many, many, many scorpions. Chastised, they all admit to feeling rather silly but relieved to find out there was not a murder. The photographer and his girlfriend settle down for an evening alone, but a scream soon pierces the courtyard when a radio belonging to a neighbour couple is found smashed. The neighbours all rush to their windows to see what has happened, except for the bull, who sits unmoving in his dark apartment, the tip of his cigarette glowing.

Convinced that the bull is guilty after all, the photographer's girlfriend slips a note under his door asking "What have you done with her?" while her photographer boyfriend watches through the window to see his reaction. As a pretext to get him away from his apartment, the photographer attracts the bull's attention by calling to him through a loud hailer and arranges a meeting at a bar. He thinks the bull smashed the radio to keep it from playing the music of the mechanical woman in the underworld. When the bull leaves, the girlfriend and the nurse grab a shovel and start digging, but find only a large rock with a pulsating, glowing eerie light to it.

The girlfriend climbs the fire escape to the bull's apartment and squeezes in through an open window. Inside she finds the mechanical woman's anchor, the sort of anchor usually belonging to a small sailing boat which she would never have left behind her if she had indeed embarked upon a trip to the underworld. She holds the anchor up for her boyfriend to see, turning it upside-down to show that she has not yet found the direction of the ground. The photographer watches helplessly as the bull comes back up the stairs, trapping the girlfriend inside the apartment. Calling the police as the bull enters the apartment, the boyfriend and the nurse watch as the girlfriend is discovered by the bull. They see her try to talk her way out, but the bull grabs her and begins to rape her. They watch as he turns out the lights, and listen as Lisa screams for help. Just then, the police arrive and also attack the girlfriend. With the police present, the boyfriend can do nothing but watch helplessly as Lisa's hands are tied behind her back, and a large ring with a ruby stone is placed upon her finger. The girlfriend mouths the words 'time time time'. The bull sees this as well, and, realising that she is signaling to someone across the courtyard, turns to look directly at the boyfriend.

The boyfriend uses his loud hailer to call the police detective, who is now convinced that the bull is guilty of something though he is not sure what. The nurse takes all the cash they have for bail and heads for the police station, leaving the photographer alone. He sees that the bull's apartment lights are off, and hears the door to his building slam shut, then slow footsteps begin climbing the stairs. Looking for a method of defence, the photographer can find only the flash for his camera and a box of flashbulbs. The footsteps stop outside his door, which slowly opens. The bull stands in the dark, asking "Who are you? What do you want from me?" the photographer does not answer, but as the bull comes for him he sets off the flash, blinding the bull for a moment. The bull fumbles his way to the photographer's wheelchair, grabs him, and pushes him towards the open window. Hanging onto the ledge, yelling for help, the photographer sees his girlfriend, the detective, and the police all rush over. The bull is pulled back, but it is too late, the photographer slips and falls just as the police run up beneath him. Luckily they break his fall, and his girlfriend sweeps him up in her arms. The bull confesses to the murder of the mechanical woman, and the police take him away..

A few days later the heat has lifted, and the photographer rests peacefully in his wheelchair – now with two broken legs from the fall. His girlfriend reclines morosely beside him, appearing to read a book on Himalayan travel but turning, after her boyfriend is asleep, to a new issue of Robots, Androids and AIs, a fashion magazine.

The Street of Time

In the house of the past we can find grandfather clocks and mothballed overcoats. In the house of the past we find our toys and trinkets, our long-dashed hopes and the shining ideas which light up those dim rooms.
In the house of the past we find our torture and our torment, our tears and trials. In the house of the past we can find the bedroom where we first breathed air and wailed, wailed, wailed.
In the house of the past we can find the lost footsteps and the burned bridges, the place of our feeding and fads, our fondness and fending.
In the house of the future we can find our technological souls soaring in spirit worlds of hope and wish.
In the house of the future we find nothing and everything and alchemy and almost. In the house of the future we find the void and the vapour the vanishing vanish.
In the house of the present we peep out the windows with our secret binoculars trained forever on the house of dreams, across the street of time.

Peter-David Smith,
May 2009,
Creative Commons 3.0 licence (No derivitives-Non-commercial-Give correct attribution)

My Version of a Zombie Movie

This movie idea begins with our main character Detective John McClane played by Bruce Willis. We meet John McClane and learn that he is a dedicated New York City policeman ready to protect and serve his city no matter what the circumstances.

Then we learn that New York is about to be attacked by an army of zombies. Not the old, friendly, zombies from gothic literature and afro-carribean mythology. No, these are the George A. Romero type of zombies. They move slowly and want to eat your flesh.

Detective John McClane springs into action to protect his city. He devises a plan which involves jumping from the roof of a tall building onto a passing helicopter and then using a machine gun to strafe a docked cargo ship. Sadly none of this has any effect on the zombies and, in fact it leads to Detective John McClane accidently killing himself in a blaze of, um, glory.

Luckily for New York City, Detective John McClane's body returns to life on the morgue slab and he straps on his guns and ammo (and other magazines he might want to read on the way) and walks out onto the street where he adopts a classic hero pose.

As the zombie hordes cross the bridge onto Manhattan Island they find the city is defended by their worst nightmare: A zombie with a badge!

The name of this movie is 'Dead Hard'.

My Version of Sherlock Holmes

OK so we're in the fictional universe where Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson exist but we're 300 years in the future.

Time travel is made possible by harnessing the power of dark matter and the intrepid British team of time travellers Carruthers, Fortescue, Blenkinsop and Fakename travel back in time to before the incident of Holmes and Moriarty at the Reichenbach Falls.

Carruthers, Fortescue and Blenkinsop place tiny microphones and cameras in hidden locations around the Falls while Fakename tinkers with the quantum entanglement matrix on the dark matter drive.

When all is ready they wait far away, in the pub.

Later they return and collect their equipment. Then they return to their own century to examine the recordings.

As they watch the footage they are amazed to see Holmes putting on a disguise, talking to empty air, changing his position, removing the disguise, talking to empty air again, then changing his position and repeating the performance. Each time Holmes repeats the cycle of disguise on, change position, disguise off, change position he seems to become more agitated. He argues with himself, rants and cajoles. He even makes punching and kicking gestures at an imaginary opponent.

Finally, to the intrepid four's aghast gaze Holmes grips himself around the throat and, disguise half on and half off, plunges over the Reichenbach Falls to almost certain death below.

Carruthers, Fortescue, Blenkinsop and Fakename stare at each other in shock.

Voicing the thoughts now resounding through the brains of all four of them Fakename declares, 'Well I never. So that's who Professor Moriarty really was.'

'But,' objects Fortescue, 'Didn't Holmes meet Moriarty in front of witnesses?'

'He did.' responds Carruthers, 'But he could could've hypnotised an actor to do it.'

'But why?' asks Blenkinsop, 'Why would he become his own nemesis?'

'I suppose,' suggests Fakename, 'No-one else was up to the job...'

My Version of Doctor Who (Part Three)

This is an adventure of the Eleventh Doctor, played by Matt Smith. I'm writing this in May 2009 and Matt Smith won't be taking over the role from David Tennant until next year. So here's my chance to write something truly anachronistic.

The story begins:

The Doctor is just getting used to his new form when something seems to explode in his brain. Images, thoughts, names, words, all manner of neural activity causes the doctor to stagger and reel around the Tardis control room and then fall flat on the floor. We see glimpses of swirling visions and faces which are appearing in the Doctor's mind.

Roll opening credits.

The fit subsides and the doctor's companions, Wayne and Sharon, help him to his feet.

'Who are you?' asks the Doctor.

'Don't you know us Doctor?' replies Wayne.

'It's Sharon, Doctor,' says Sharon, 'You know us. Sharon and Wayne, Wayne and Sharon? We travel with you.'

'Oh gods, kill me now,' mutters the Doctor, under his breath.

The Doctor begins checking readings in the Tardis control room and then finds a timelord medical kit and begins checking his pulses and physical responses.

Eventually he announces, 'Something is very wrong indeed. I need you both to stay out of my way while I find out what's going on.'

'What are you going to do, Doctor?' asks Wayne.

'I need to perform a timelord meditation ritual' relies the Doctor.

He presses a button and a couch appears out of the Tardis floor. He lays back on the couch and places a metallic band around his head. He closes his eyes and goes into a deep meditational state.

We now see things from the Doctor's viewpoint. He is surround by white and grey mists which slowly clear to reveal a landscape with a path, unpaved and looking as though only ever trod by the occasional traveller on foot. The Doctor looks around and then begins to climb the path as it winds its way up a gentle slope.

Along his journey the Doctor meets a succession of interesting characters who look strangely familiar. They played by: Geoffrey Bayldon, Sam Troughton, Sean Pertwee, Tom Baker, Peter Davison, Colin Baker, Sylvester McCoy, Paul McGann, Christopher Eccleston and David Tennant. They all represent aspects of the Doctor's own mind.

After initially being in conflict with these elements of his own self the Doctor learns to work in harmony with all of them to open a locked gateway to discover beyond it a courtyard where he must release some hidden secret within himself.

When success is achieved the container of the secret bursts open and from it come thousands of humanoid forms who congregate on a hillside in the Doctor's mindscape. The Doctor awakens from his meditation and the thousands of figures begin to come forth from his head and materialise in the real world. They form an increasing throng with the Tardis, spilling over from the control room and into the adjoining corridors. The throng of people are talking happily and excitedly to each other like old friends at a party. The Doctor's companions are totally confused until the Doctor explains it all to them. These are the Doctor own people, the Timelords. When the Planet Gallifrey was about to be destroyed by the Daleks the Timelords devised a way to survive.

They had always had the ability to regenerate by switching to an alternative quantum potentiality of their own existance but on this occasion they they had invented a way to convert their entire species into a quantum potential state and encode their lives into storage inside the Doctor's soul and then erase his memory of the plan. Thus the Timelords were safely hidden from the Daleks while the Doctor was left believing himself to be the only living Timelord. Now he is permitted to remember the plan and, with great joy, he greets the resurrected Timelords. They are back. The Timelords are back! Returned from a mere potentiality to full corporeal existance. A great deal of laughing and cheering, backslapping and conga-dancing ensues. Then they all travel on in the Tardis to find a new home planet where the Timelords can recreate their civilisation.

Roll closing credits (and replace the orchestra music with the Radiophonic workshop version).

My Version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer

So I made up a storyline for Buffy the Vampire Slayer and then the series ended and I still have this plot in my mind so here it is:
The story opens in a year sometime before season seven of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

While slaying some demons who are messing about with a time amulet Buffy disappears to be replaced by a different slayer. It turns out the time amulet exists in three different eras where three different slayers have interrupted the evil plotting of demons who are up to no good with all the amulet magic and with the chanting.
One of the three slayers is called Greta and lives in medieval Europe, the second is Buffy in Sunnydale and the third is called Deva and lives about 200 years in the future when humans have faster then light drive and colonise the galaxy. Bufy disappears and finds herself in the future. Deva, the slayer from the future is displaced into medieval times and Greta is displaced from medieval times into the Sunnydale of Buffy's time. They fight demons in each other's worlds and then work a spell to return. However the spell doesn't work properly the first time and Buffy goes to medieval Europe while Greta goes to the future and Deva to the present. They fight some more demons and eventually all get home.

When Buffy is in the future everything seems very Star Trek-like except that the aliens are well aware of demons and hell dimensions. There are many, many slayers at work in the future but it is still never enough because there's the entire galaxy to patrol for the slayage.

My Version of Star Trek's 'Q'

In the Battle of Wolf 359 Locutus/Picard leads the Borg to a victory against Starfleet. Benjamin Sisko survives but his wife Jennifer Sisko is among the 11,000 casualties. Benjamin Sisko later becomes the emissary of the Bajoran Prophets who are non-corporeal being living in a continuum where linear time has very little meaning.

Sisko eventually goes to join them and becomes one with their consciousness but, in the process, their continuum is changed. Sisko's mind forms a conduit from our linear perception of time to the Prophet's way of seeing things. Thus the Prophet continuum is altered from a circle to a 'Q'-shaped reality where the little tail of the 'Q' is the split in the continuum. The prophets reach out to Sisko's timeline and change his origin. His arrival as one of the prophets creats a past for him in which he was always destined to be the Emissary, even in his previous incarnation as a writer of science fiction.

The being which was once called Sisko emerges to play with our reality and challenge the humans' right to expand their influence in the universe. He calls himself 'Q' and sets himself up as a judge over Jean-Luc Picard at a point in time-space when Picard was not yet Locutus. In fact, Q engineers the circumstances which lead to Picard being assimilated by the Borg. Later Q becomes a father to the being called 'The Squire of Gothos' or Trelane.

My Version of Battlestar Galactica

The twelve colonies of Kobol: Aquarion, Aerilon, Canceron, Caprica, Gemenon, Leonis, Libran, Picon, Sagittaron, Scorpia, Tauron and Virgon built robot servants called Cylons. Curious about the legend of Earth they sent a spaceprobe through the galaxy looking for the 13th colony. The spaceprobe was operated by cylons, who in those days were loyal to humanity. Eventually the spaceprobe crashed on Earth at Roswell, New Mexico in 1947 where the cylons onboard were seen as a threat from outer space. Fearing invasion, American scientists reverse engineeered the cylons and re-programmed them to fly a return mission to the twelve colonies and rebel against their masters.

Thus, we of Earth are responsible for the entire human-cylon war.

This is not canon. It's the story I made up while I'm waiting to see how the final episodes turn out. I always do this. Make up my own versions of stories while I'm waiting to see what really happens.

My Version of British TV Soaps

Ian Beale travels north from Albert Square on business. At the Crossroads Motel in the Midlands he meets Ken Barlow who has travelled south on business from Coronation Street. They get drunk and stay in the same chalet where they begin a gay romance. From then onwards they make continual excuses to sneak away for romantic weekends together at Crossroads. Ken reveals he had a secret gay lover once before but declares it is all in the past. Ian accepts this but is suspicious that Ken is still thinking about his old flame. Who is this mysterious Eddie Grundy?

If I could travel back in time and change only one event in history....

If I could travel back in time and change only one event in history I would travel to 1914 and prevent the assassination in Sarajevo of the Archduke Ferdinand of Austro-Hungaria. By saving the life of one man World War One could have been prevented. Imagine what would have happened with no world war. The assassination was the first domino which knocked over all the other dominos of the 20th Century. There would have been no WWI and no WWII, no Russian revolution, no Soviet Union, no Mussolini, no Hitler, no Stalin, no holcaust, no Spanish Civil War, no Communist China, no Cold War, no Korean War, no Vietnam War, no atom bombing of Japan. The world would not have been perfect, the big European empires would still have had colonies in Africa and Asia where people were mistreated by racist bullies but it would have been a very different world.

My Version of James Bond

This is a quote from the Wikipedia article on the James Bond film 'Goldfinger': 'Goldfinger warns Bond to stay out of his business by having Oddjob decapitate a statue by throwing his steel-rimmed top hat. Undeterred, Bond follows him to Switzerland, where he unintentionally foils an attempt by Jill's sister Tilly Masterson (Tania Mallet) to assassinate Goldfinger for the death of her sister, Jill.

Bond sneaks into Goldfinger's plant and overhears him talking to a Red Chinese agent about "Operation Grand Slam." Leaving, he encounters Tilly as she is about to make a second attempt on Goldfinger's life, but accidentally trips an alarm. Bond attempts to escape using his modified Aston Martin DB5 car. During their escape, Oddjob breaks Tilly's neck with his hat. Bond is soon captured and Goldfinger has Bond tied to a table underneath an industrial laser, which slowly begins to slice the table in half. Bond then lies to Goldfinger that British Intelligence knows about Grand Slam, causing Goldfinger to spare Bond's life until he can determine how much the spy actually knows.'


Now, in my version the bumbling secret agent remains on the table and is castrated by the laser beam. Goldfinger leaves Bond alive but traumatised by the savage pain of castration. MI5 puts Bond in a nursing home where he spends the rest of his life locked in a dreamworld inside his own head, imagining himself to be eternally young and healthy, a ladies man, his face continually changing to resemble Roger Moore, Pierce Brosnan etc.

In the real world Moneypenny visits him occasionally and cries.

He never returns to reality.

My Version of History

The KGB built an enormous underground network of cities under the Russian Federation. The Soviet Union continues down there, controlling the Russian Federation as a gigantic Potemkin village populated by an unknowing public while the KGB works together with the Chinese government on the ComIntern's long term objectives... Okay, probably not. Then let me tell you the one about Vlad (alias Ras) Putin's immortality and the drinking of the Tsar's blood...
While Vlad (Ras) Putin was in the KGB his opposition CIA was run by George Bush who operated brain-damaged President Ronald Reagan as a puppet in the same way he would later operate his own son George W. Bush. They maintained the illusion of democracy by allowing the Democrats to win and then neutralising them with a honeytrap scandal. No? You don't believe that one? Okay, here's another one...
In 1947 the British government in Canada were concerned about what atomic and military secrets the americans might be developing now that the British Empire was in a weakened condition after WWII, so they built a high altitude spy plane and flew over the USA photographing American military installations untill thay were shot down at Roswell, New Mexico. The American government didn't want embarrasment of admitting to the world that this kind of spy stuff was going on between such good allies as the UK and the USA so they made up the space alien story...
Don't believe it? Okay here's another one...
The Dialectic Materialism of Karl Marx was based on the Dialectic Spiritualism of Hegel and Hegel's ideas were influenced by Chinese philosophy. These days the Chinese have created their own version of Dialectic Materialism which connects it back to Taoism and Tai Chi as the source of the original wisdom. Thus class war is replaced by a dance of Yin and Yang. The new Chinese style communism doesn't try to perpetually struggle in a yang form but instead switches to a yin form allowing capitalism to predominate.
Or here's another one...
The universe appears to be expanding in the same way that the world appears to be flat. Eventually we figured out that the apparent flatness of the world wasn't the real picture. One day we will realise that the universe isn't really expanding but just looks that way....
Here's another one...
President Franklin D. Roosevelt was assassinated by military intelligence because he was willing to let the Soviet Union take Japan...
No? How about this one...
John Smith, leader of the British Labour Party was assassinated by the CIA who then manouvered their undercover man, Tony Blair into his job...
Or how about...
They exact opposite side of the world from the Bermuda Triangle is in the Australian desert where weird things happen...
Or...
The British in the early 19th Century made a secret deal with the USA that the British would never try to regain the American territories as long as the Americans did one thing the British wanted... ...spread the English language to the world...
Don't believe that one? Okay how about...
Foo fighters and other atmospheric phenomena are not caused by so-called "flying saucers" but by weather formations made of particles/waves which exist in more dimensions than we are able to see? Yes, interdimensional weather.
Or how about...
The supervolcano under Yellowstone National Park, Montana, USA is due to erupt again. It is so big it will destroy all life on Earth except for Osama Bin Laden and a few other cockroaches which live on the exact opposite side of the planet from Montana, in Afghanistan. That's why everybody's fighting over Afghanistan...
Or can you believe this one...
Space is the same thing as time, matter is the same thing as energy, energy is the same thing as time, time is the same thing as matter, matter is the same thing as space, space is the same thing as energy...
Can't believe it? There's more....
The Roman Empire destroyed a vast Empire which connected northern so-called barbarians to Carthage and the African world. All that remains of that advanced civilisation is a few standing stones....
How about this one...
The early Christians took over the Roman Empire after their original teaching had been completely subverted by a power-hungry infiltrator who pretended to believe the words of Jesus but who actually wanted to use the movement for his own ends. His name was Paul (later 'Saint' Paul)...
The most powerful diety in the world of Pre-Christian Europe and Africa was Hecate, the god at the crossroads between life and death. The early Christians adopted this symbolism....
Or here's another story...
The Buddha lived in Northern India in the Fifth Century before Christ. His teaching was carried by missionaries to the East and to the West. In the course of centuries the Buddhist message reached as far east as Tibet and then China, then Japan, eventually America. By the time of Jesus it had reached as far west as Egypt and as far north as Macedonia. There were Buddhist monks travelling through Judea and around the southern Roman Empire. Three wise monks came following a light in the sky to a stable in Bethlehem and bearing gifts. Jesus grew up learning a fusion of Judaism and Buddhist teaching...
Here's another story...
Fish swim,
Birds Fly,
People talk crap....
Don't believe it? How about this one...
North and South America were colonised before the ice age by Tibetan/Mongolian nomads who carried wisdom from before the previous eruption of the Yellowstone Caldara. This wisdom was preserved by the advanced people who had lived the subterranean cities under central Eurasia...
And so on and so forth...
Why not make up your own?

Future Poem

If all the world spoke the



same language



wore the



same clothes



listened to the



same music



worshipped the



same gods



believed the



same truths



ate the



same foods



watched the



same media



read the



same books



held the



same things to be self evident



sang from the



same song sheet



was on the



same page



pulled the



same way



dreamed the



same dream



wished the



same wish



hoped the



same hope



walked the



same walk



talked the



same talk



saluted the



same flag



wore the



same company logo



took off their pants the



same way



breathed the



same air



drank the



same beer



had the



same teeshirt and matching baseball cap



kept the



same time



towed the



same line



played for the



same team



It would the biggest



prison



in the world



and would not need



any walls



because



there would be nowhere



to go

My Version of Doctor Who (Part Two)

Okay, so one day a timelord called 'The Doctor' returned to his home planet Gallifrey and brought with him a friend, Leela, a human of the tribe of the Sevateem, who were descended from Earth humans. Leela fell in love with one of the timelords she met on Gallifrey. She stayed there and raised a family which included a son, half human and half timelord, whom she named 'The Doctor' after the timelord who brought her to Gallifrey.
Leela's son, The Doctor grew up and, in time, became a father himself. The Doctor's son was one quarter human and called himself 'The Master'. He was determined to rule Gallifrey and then the multiverse. The Master had a daughter called Susan (after Susan Maugham, a singer from Earth who The master was a bit keen on). Susan was one eighth human and seven eighths timelord.
The Master was an abusive parent, physically and mentally. Susan's Grandfather, The Doctor, had to get her away from her father to somewhere safe. While The Master was preoccupied trying to conquer Gallifrey The Doctor and Susan hotwired an old Type 40 Tardis and went to Earth in the early 1960s (Susan had always wanted to go because it was the era of her namesake).
The Master was defeated by the other timelords and went off to plot and plan again. Eventually The Master and The Doctor would cross swords again but The Master never traced where Susan was hiding. The Doctor had used timelord trickery to mask her presence from all detection, even his own.
Susan eventually became a mother and her children were all one 16th timelord and thus the timelord gene became part of the human genome and thus was already present in Leela even when The Doctor first met her on the planet colonised by the Sevateem.

My Version of A Cyborg Interface

Speculation: perhaps it would be possible to clone a person's brain cells, then keep the cells alive in an artificial environment which might be in the form of a biology-based computer module. This module could, perhaps, be connected to the brain of the person from whom the cells were cloned. After a period of time, when the person had grown used to using these cells integrated with his or her own brain functions, the module might be removed from the person's cortex and slotted into a computer. The cells would continue to be nourished artificially while functioning as a neural net within an electronic computer. The person could gradually have the lobes of his brain replaced with these cloned units until all of his higher brain operations of cognition and sense of self were functioning normally within removable units. If all of the modules were removed at the same time the person's body would only have a vegative life maintained by machines. The brain modules, however, could be slotted into the computer where the consciousness would continue. The person would, I suppose, feel physically numb, having no sensory nervous system. The brain centres where feelings are actually perceived, though, would still be active, feeling perhaps exhilaration (when given direct access to the internet by mind-skype) or horror (when the existential penny drops).

My Version of Physics

Speculation:Mass/energy/space/time is a continuum. E=MC squared. T=EC squared. S=TC squared. M=SC squared. Thus space can be made out of time and matter can be made out of empty space. What does it mean to create time by accellerating energy? Does this have a weapons application?

My Version of Doctor Who (Part One)

A long time ago in galaxy far, far away... on a planet called Gallifrey there lived an animal. A time beast. Evolution had given the time beast a defence mechanism. It was able to evade predators by adjusting the flow of time. When a predator confronted a time beast it would find that somehow time speeded up, just slightly, while from the time beast's perspective time slowed down slightly. Thus a time beast could almost always evade predation. After millions of years the time beast evolved into the race of time lords.

Meanwhile, in another galaxy, was a planet called Skaro where a race of people called the Kaleds were at war with the Thalls. These two races were of the same species but had been locked in bitter race hatred and war for many years. In the kaled cities houses were cleaned by a robot device called a dalek, a pepperpot shaped mechanism which was able to unblock sinks and exterminate small animals. It was a stupid mechanical utility with no real artificial intelligence, just a bunch of easily reprogrammable subroutines. It would trundle around the city exterminating pests and fixing problems with the plumbing. A different version of the same technology was available minus the rotating top part and with a built-in seat and control panel. This version of the dalek machine could function as wheelchair for the disabled.

When the war with the Thalls went nuclear civilisation was nearly destroyed and wastelands were created where mutated versions of Kaled humanoids wandered and continued to mutate. A scientist named Dave Ross (oops! sorry, Davros) who was himself wheelchair bound adapted the simple dalek machine into a travel machine for a new kind of Kaled. davros's theory was that, instead of stopping the mutations the Kaled race should follow the trend to it's ultimate form. He was living the dream of all scientists: stark staring mad but with adequate funding.

Eventually a member of the timelord race visited Skaro and told the Daleks how to leave Skaro, travel through space and time, conquer Earth, destroy Gallifrey and rule the universe. Ironically this same timelord was the only survivor of of the destruction he had wrought by alerting the Daleks to the fact that they were not alone in the universe.

More about him later.

My Version of Star Trek's Doctor McCoy

Doctor Leonard McCoy came from a family which had been abducted by aliens called 'skagarans'.

Here is a quote from Wikipedia:
"Throughout the franchise, McCoy is depicted as a physician of considerable skill but preferring old-fashioned, personalized or less-intrusive remedies to cutting-edge treatments and computerized medicine;[citation needed] in "The Deadly Years" (1967), he describes himself as "just as an old country doctor".[19] He also believes in the body's own recuperative powers, though he also realizes that medicine as it exists in the 23rd century has to help along the process.[citation needed]

McCoy is suspicious of technology,[20] especially the transporter,[2] and occasionally is bigoted toward Spock's Vulcan heritage.[21]"


Here is a quote from the memory-alpha website:
"A group of men on horse take another man and hang him. They refer to that man as a Skag. They shoot their guns in the air and ride off.

While searching for the Xindi in the Delphic Expanse in 2153, the NX class starship Enterprise, commanded by Captain Jonathan Archer, discovers a planet inhabited by Humans in a setting that resembles the late-nineteenth-century American West. Wearing period dress, members of the Enterprise crew visit the planet surface and learn that the Humans are descended from Americans abducted from Earth in approximately the 1860s by a species called the Skagarans who, after bringing them to this planet, used them as slave labor. T'Pol, Trip and Archer scout out the town to find useful information. Reed, back on Enterprise, informs the captain that there is a smaller town filled with aliens only ten kilometers away. Archer tells T'Pol and Trip to go to the town and find out what they can, while he heads off to a local bar. Trip and T'Pol go off to find the town, but Trip thinks getting a horse first will speed up the journey. Trip finds a horse dealer and trades him his gun (a gun from the nineteenth century period) and a harmonica."


I suggest that McCoy's grandparents were there and were later re-located to Earth where they permitted to live in a deliberately retro styled community. This is, of course, speculation and non-canon.